Grocery Stories

I used to bag groceries in the Red Apple Market. My primary responsibility was shoving as many roast chickens, cereal boxes, cartons of ice cream and cow parts into one bag as humanly possible. When people started complaining about their bags ripping, my manager Larry shrugged and told me to tell  those eco-terrorists to go fuck themselves.

Sometimes I recorded announcements. " 2 for 1 Ham Special. Strawberries $1 off. Pigs Feet. Free."  Larry thought I had a voice for television.

Once a year we had a car show. I auctioned grocery coupons and judged the doggy fashion show.

Once a week someone defecated into their hand and smeared it on the bathroom wall. "Sydney, clean up on aisle...in the bathroom, Sydney clean up in the bathroom. Again. Sorry."

My co-worker Marsha took a loaf of rosemary bread home every day, put it in the oven and then ate the whole thing with butter.

Stacy had been in a grocery store commercial 10 years earlier, but didn't have a tape of it and Jose played the trumpet in a local Mariachi band. They never had to clean up poop.

Years later I found myself in a different grocery store in a different city searching for Oregano. I was squinting at the labels of every bottle, digging through to see if maybe it had been shelved incorrectly, and knocking them to the floor as my search became more desperate when suddenly a store clerk approached me and asked what I was looking for.

Me: Oregano.

Him: I know it's here somewhere.

Me: Maybe you're out of it.

Him: No. It's here. Don't give up.

Me: Okay.

Him: It's hiding from us. But soon it will pop up.

Me: And it will say "Hi! I'm Oregano." Hehe...

Him: What?

Me: Um...

Him: Oh. Oh, I see. Nice to meet you Oregano, my name is Nathan.

Me: Oh no, my name's not...

Him: Actually, you can call me Nate. People call me Nate because I don't have to compensate. If you know what I mean. *wink*

Me:.............I don't....

Him: Here it is.

Me: Thanks.

Him: If you need anything else...I mean anything like a cucumber or a banana...

Me: Those aren't in the recipe. I'm making a casserole.

Him: Well, if you need a long, hard spoon to stir it with...

Me: I have a spoon.

Him: A Zucchini?

Me: No.

Him: I have a big dick.

Intercom: Nate, clean up on aisle...clean up in the bathroom, Nate clean up in the bathroom. Again. Sorry."

Mom Tries Funny

I was born into a funny family. My brother is quick with the puns and one liners, my dad always comes through with a good poop joke, and I can consistently be counted on for an absurd comment about scotch taping chicken breasts to my ears.

Mom is different. Mom doesn't try to be funny but exists as funny. She mistakes birds for flying squirrels, always keeps a batch of cookies in the freezer, and only buys furniture from the Amish. She once came home with a giant wooden piece punctured with hundreds of tiny holes. I asked her what it was. "It's a pie cooling rack." Mom, we don't make pies. "Well, we can use it for our crafts." Mom, we don't make crafts. "Well, we can...Hey, have you seen my glasses?" 

The day Mom tried to be funny goes down as one of the most memorable and disturbing moments of my lifetime. 

We we're on a family vacation in the Red Wood Forest. My Dad makes a joke, we all laugh, my brother makes a joke, we all laugh, I make a joke, we all laugh....And then Mom just goes, "LET'S BURN A BABY!" 

Time stopped. We didn't know whether to laugh, or cry or lay on our backs and pee up. 

All we knew was that Mom trying to be funny was more unnatural than an office birthday party. 

Glenn: "Gee guys, thanks for the cake. I really appreciate the gesture." 

Tom: "Take the first piece, birthday boy." 

Glenn: "Oh no, I'm fine thanks." 

Jan: "You don't want any cake? 

Glenn: "I'm good." 

Sharon: "C'mon, it's your birthday." 

Glenn: "That's alright." 

Mary: "Are you diabetic?" 

Glenn "No." 

Tom: "Then why can't you eat it?" 

Glenn: "I'll pass." 

Jan: "Eat the fucking cake Glenn." 

Glenn: "Nah." 

Sharon: Eat the goddamn cake or I'll rip out your spleen and wear it as a party hat. 

Glenn: "I'm fine." 

Tom: You will eat that cake. You will eat that Costco cake. You will eat it and you will like it or I will fire you. You understand me? I will fire you and I will destroy everything you love. I will take you down. I will ruin you. I will fuck your wife. No. I will make love to her. We will fight over the remote. We will wear matching snuggies. You hear me? SNUGGIES. 

Glenn: "I'm good." 

So Mom never tried to be funny again. 

The End.