Mom Tries Funny

I was born into a funny family. My brother is quick with the puns and one liners, my dad always comes through with a good poop joke, and I can consistently be counted on for an absurd comment about scotch taping chicken breasts to my ears.

Mom is different. Mom doesn't try to be funny but exists as funny. She mistakes birds for flying squirrels, always keeps a batch of cookies in the freezer, and only buys furniture from the Amish. She once came home with a giant wooden piece punctured with hundreds of tiny holes. I asked her what it was. "It's a pie cooling rack." Mom, we don't make pies. "Well, we can use it for our crafts." Mom, we don't make crafts. "Well, we can...Hey, have you seen my glasses?" 

The day Mom tried to be funny goes down as one of the most memorable and disturbing moments of my lifetime. 

We we're on a family vacation in the Red Wood Forest. My Dad makes a joke, we all laugh, my brother makes a joke, we all laugh, I make a joke, we all laugh....And then Mom just goes, "LET'S BURN A BABY!" 

Time stopped. We didn't know whether to laugh, or cry or lay on our backs and pee up. 

All we knew was that Mom trying to be funny was more unnatural than an office birthday party. 

Glenn: "Gee guys, thanks for the cake. I really appreciate the gesture." 

Tom: "Take the first piece, birthday boy." 

Glenn: "Oh no, I'm fine thanks." 

Jan: "You don't want any cake? 

Glenn: "I'm good." 

Sharon: "C'mon, it's your birthday." 

Glenn: "That's alright." 

Mary: "Are you diabetic?" 

Glenn "No." 

Tom: "Then why can't you eat it?" 

Glenn: "I'll pass." 

Jan: "Eat the fucking cake Glenn." 

Glenn: "Nah." 

Sharon: Eat the goddamn cake or I'll rip out your spleen and wear it as a party hat. 

Glenn: "I'm fine." 

Tom: You will eat that cake. You will eat that Costco cake. You will eat it and you will like it or I will fire you. You understand me? I will fire you and I will destroy everything you love. I will take you down. I will ruin you. I will fuck your wife. No. I will make love to her. We will fight over the remote. We will wear matching snuggies. You hear me? SNUGGIES. 

Glenn: "I'm good." 

So Mom never tried to be funny again. 

The End.